No goals or dreams. Now what?

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Here I am. 58 years old and no dreams or goals. I’m not sure how this happened. I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life.

As a child, I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I KNEW I had to go to college to break the cycle of poverty and hopelessness. I did. I attended two years at Indiana State University to be a band director. Music was the only thing I was really good at, or so I thought. I found out once I got there that I wasn’t so amazing. Rude awakening. After my sophomore year, I decided to get married. The love of my life, the man I had been crazy about since I was 14, asked me to marry him after a year of dating. I said yes. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. I took a short break from school. Then a few years down the road, I decided to go back to college and finish my teaching degree by majoring in elementary education. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. While I was still taking classes, we were expecting our first child. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. A few years later, we had our second child. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. After our second child was born, I decided to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. When the girls got older, they went to public school. I took a job as an assistant at their school so I would have the same schedule as them. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. Later, I took a teaching position at a nearby school. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. About 8 years into that job, I felt a nudge from the Lord to leave teaching. I ignored it. I loved my paycheck too much. I loved the idea that I was a teacher, my girls bragged about it to their friends. Year 9 I had symptoms of lymphoma. I KNEW I wanted to leave, but I didn’t. Year 10, the anxiety and stress took a toll. I started losing my hair. I KNEW I HAD to leave. I took FMLA around Valentine’s Day and resigned June 1. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. I spent the next year resting, recovering, and going to doctors. I KNEW that was what I wanted to do. Then I took a part-time hybrid job. It suited me fine. It allowed me to rest when I needed to. Then about a year later, it didn’t fulfill me. There was no challenge and I didn’t work enough hours in the week.

Here I am. 58 years old and bored with the job. What now? I’m not depressed. I take “happy pills” for that. I. Feel. Lost. For the first time in my life, I have NO idea what I want to do. I’ve started seeing a mental health counselor twice a month to help me sort through it all. She asked me to start journaling.

I’ve tried learning about different careers. I would dabble in it just enough to know if I liked it or not. Nothing really ever “spoke” to me. I took an introductory course to Instructional Design. I didn’t like it. I started my own Teachers Pay Teachers store, but never created anything for it. I learned how to create things in Canva but got bored with that as well. I looked at job descriptions for Corporate Trainer and HR positions. Those descriptions sounded as stressful as teaching. What now? I. Feel. Stuck.

Ta-da! That was a few months ago. Now, I work at a local university as the Educational Resource Coordinator/Accessibility consultant. This job requires a lot of Ed tech stuff. If you would have told me when I left teaching elementary school that I would become the accessibility expert at a local university, I would have been rolling on the floor laughing; ask any of my colleagues. They would have told you NO WAY! I was the weak link on the third grade team. Maybe the weakest link in the entire school! This job had to be a God thing! That’s what I was looking for…a job only God would send my way. Here I am rockin’ it!

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